changing views

In my Senior yearbook for high school, I quoted the following: "What I am at any given moment in the process of my becoming a person will be determined by my relationship with those who love me or refuse to love me, with those whom I love or refuse to love." (J.Powell)

Now that I look back, I'm not sure I believe that as strongly as I used to. I mean, it's pretty logical, right? But after almost 10 years and many life lessons, I've realized that the most important part of that quote is: those whom I love or refuse to love. In the end, it's still our decision to treat a person a certain way. It's still our decision whether we're going to let them dictate how we act. He or she can be the nicest person on earth and love us to death, but it's still our call whether we let that person walk in to our life. In the same manner, they can be the most insensitive person we've ever met, but when we decide to love them, we love them no matter what. Taking responsibility for own outcomes (what we are at any given moment) is probably one of the hardest things to do. Although I concede that what we feel may be influenced by significant (or sometimes not-so-significant) others, but what we make of it is all our own. Like I've said, we make our own realities. After all, no one else can live our life but us.

miracles abound

There are times when I read or hear things as I go along my day that really get stuck in my head. Sort of like a last-song-syndrome, except it's a sentence, a phrase, even just a word. Does that make sense? Like the phrase just keeps playing in your head as if to say, remember this...it's important. Well, this is one of those things...and from time to time, I will post such quotes under this topic heading.

"Miracles abound around us. We need only to have a sensitive and listening heart; an openness to be touched by the power of the Almighty who surrounds us with abundant miracles." (Fr. Atilano Coscuera, SVD)

This reminds me of a romantic comedy I once watched (and for the life of me, I cannot remember the title! Chandler was in it! hahaha), but anyway, the main gist of the movie was that SIGNS ARE EVERYWHERE. Sometimes I guess it's just a matter of interpreting the signs correctly. Or seeing signs that are actually there, not ones that we would like to see. I must admit, I fall into that trap, too, then I start to second guess myself. And that just leads to a completely different story, unless I catch myself.

Sigh...the challenges of life! I don't think it's humanly possible to actually read all the signs right all the time. But I can only hope that if I screw up the road map, I encounter a U-turn and find my way back so I can take the right path. And sometimes, detours aren't all that bad, at least they keep life interesting. If you get lost, stop and enjoy the scenery. But don't wait too long, the road back could change...then you're lost for life!

Just now, for some strange reason, Lead Me Lord just popped up in my head...Go figure, right?

Destiny and Success

Part of my daily routine is reading a devotional called The Word in other words. I think it's a great format because it gives a Bible passage and then a reflection, usually from a priest or a nun. There's also a space given for the reader to write a few thoughts down. So in a sense, this has become my diary.

One of the passages talked about how Thomas Edison was once fired when he was working as a telegraph operator. "He got so interested in the machine and its workings that he started finding ways how to improve it. So engrossed was he that he forgot all about the messages that were coming over the wire. Consequently a lot of messages remained unsent and undelivered. Of course, he was discharged." (Fr. Gerry del Pinado, SVD)

The story of Thomas Edison is a perfect example of God's will. How so? If Edison was never fired, then he wouldn't have been able to do all the other things that he was destined to do, to invent, to discover. I believe that God plants us somewhere to grow, because we CAN grow anywhere...even in the most seemingly unpromising circumstances. He has destined for us to succeed. But there are times when He needs to uproot us because there are other places where we could bear more fruit. And if only I could constantly see things in that light, I think I will see in every challenge, in every roadblock, a chance to grow rather than to wallow and get stuck in the failure.

Now others may argue that destiny isn’t everything. And I will agree to some degree. I just believe that God has planned success for each of us. All the steps, resources, and opportunities are there. But He has also given us the free will to take the steps as we may. The final destination is success, but the journey is in our hands (clichéd as that may sound).

It’s like a deck of cards. I think that the reason why people sometimes feel that success is not in their cards, is because they are looking at the wrong hand. God deals, and it’s up to us to play it right. We are responsible for creating our realities (thank you, BASIC, FLEX, and ALC for that lesson). Ultimately, we are destined to win. The pay-off just depends on how much we are willing to risk, at what cost, and how patient we are until we get the card that makes the difference.

Of Plan A and Contingencies

I assume that most of you have heard of friendster.com. The first time I heard of it, I thought it was so corny. But just to satisfy my curiosity, I joined up. After a while, I started to find old friends or vice versa…friends I haven’t seen or heard from in AGES. And it brought about this inexplicably giddy feeling. It’s like getting to eat Tamtanco’s or Good Shepherd’s ube jam again after being away from home for 4 years! (If you’re not a Filipino, or you’re not from Baguio City, and you’ve never had ube, disregard the last statement!) So it got addictive (although I’m past that stage now, thank God!). But anyway, the next bit is what I had on my profile page, and then some…

I read this passage once, and it just explains why I do many of the things that I do...and why I do them with so much passion and energy: "Whatever state of life we are in, we are all called to selfless committed love: whether it be one's wife/husband and children, religious community, or pastoral ministry...vocation in life is what propels all of the others." (~Fr. Bernard Collera, SVD)

That is reflected in the way I deal with my family, John (my life!), my friends, my teaching, my career...and anything and everything that I put my heart into. My friends would probably say that I’m rather obsessive compulsive when it comes to having a life plan. I actually have one written…it’s like a feasibility study, except it’s for my life! I have a Plan A that I focus on, and contingency plans B, C, D…n just in case that Plan A does not work. I like to think that I live each day with a purpose. Granted sometimes that’s really difficult to do, but I try with the knowledge that each day brings me closer to my goal. And if at the end of the day, I can cross even just one thing (big or small) off my list, then I feel I’ve accomplished something.

This constant push to achieve can be tiring. But then again, I always remember something that my professor shared, “For one to burn out, you must first be on fire.” [sorry, didn’t catch the source of that quote. But the message stuck well enough.]

another piece of me

I finally decided to sit down and write my thoughts in the hope that in the process, I find an “aha” moment for myself. At times, we realize and understand things when we least expect to. We’ll see how well I do.

Growing up, I’ve always been taught that education is vital for a successful future. The way one performs in school is a gauge of how far in life one is to go. So unquestionably, I was always expected to excel. I think after a while, the pressure and the high expectations became self-inflicted rather than parent-generated.

I graduated from UP with the ideal that one day, I would like to give back to the country and the youth what my professors have unselfishly given to me. I started teaching at a university in my hometown and I loved it. Not only did I find an occupation, I found a vocation. That became my vision, to continually pursue academic excellence and leadership not only in myself, but also in my students, my peers and colleagues, and those that I serve. Idealistic? Perhaps, but passionate.

After eight months, I was given an opportunity to further my industry experience abroad. I qualified for an externship with one of the most successful companies in my field. I decided that I needed the experience so that my teaching will not only be theoretical, but practical as well. Off to the US I went. After my very fruitful stay, another opportunity for growth came my way. I was accepted on a scholarship to take my Masters at an American university. Again, I decided that further studies will not only enrich me as a person, but also equip me with the necessary knowledge that I needed to be an effective educator in the future. So here I am now, done with my program and pursuing a PhD. It’s a beginning for the torrents of questions that I have yet to find the answers for.

The dilemma lies in deciding whether I want to go back to the Philippines to live out my vision or not. With the political situation so clearly in disarray, I fear that the future is not getting any better. Am I being selfish in wanting to stay here to secure a good future for the family I will have someday? What about the youth that are back home, don’t they deserve access to the knowledge that I have gained from my experiences here? What becomes of the hopeful dream of giving back to the country what others before me have given to me? Surely, they must have sacrificed a lot of opportunities so that they may impart to the youth the gift of superb education. Am I willing to do the same? Is there a future for me back home?

That is, is there a BRIGHT future for me back home? Some people criticize youth who decide to leave the Philippines in the hopes of finding better opportunities in other countries (case in point: Elmer Reyes Jacinto). But I think that some of these people don’t realize what a difficult decision it is for some of us to do so. It’s not for the lack of desire to help the Philippines. Certainly, it’s not for the lack of love for the country. Rather, it’s the lack of opportunity. It’s the lack of encouragement from the government, from politicians, from society. It’s the need to live and let live. How do we build our futures on salaries that don’t even cover the month’s rent? How do we save for our children’s future when we can’t even start to have children because we can’t afford to? How do we give, when we have very little? How do we balance our need to survive and our desire to serve? Where do we draw the line between being patriotic and being practical? I could go on, but I think those questions are loaded enough.

So now that I’m at the end of my spiel, have I encountered an “aha” moment? Perhaps. It’s always good to have a dream, to be able to say you have a vision. The way you go about it and the route you take to get there, well, it just has to be flexible. I have come to the conclusion that somewhere, somehow, someday, we all live out our visions and dreams. I can still teach. I can still serve. We were all destined to succeed. It’s just that it may not be exactly the way we pictured it. But when we trust that God and the universe only has the best intentions, we can live our vision right here, right now, just as we are, and in our own special way. Aha…

a little bit of me

i thought i'd start it all out with a poem i wrote for my bestfriend...who became my boyfriend for 5 1/2 years. Now he's my ex...because he's now my husband:)

this poem was part of the insert for our wedding tokens...

“I love you…”

Such simple words we say each day,
Words that mean differently
When they stand alone.
“I” and “You”,
Separate individuals,
With separate lives and
Separate identities.

But with “love”
They become bound;
Sharing one life,
One meaning,
One identity.
Bound beyond words
And promises
And formalities;

Bound by a commitment
To be each other’s home,
Bound as I have chosen
To be bound to you.

I love you, John.