a little bit longer

Hmmm...today has been a rough day. I found out that John's interview has been moved. I don't have a definite day yet for the new schedule, but we're still hoping he'll be able to make it here by April.

Yesterday I was on an emotional rollercoaster. I can't begin to explain the range of feelings that were going through me. Granted, I probably could have done better keeping my temper at bay or my tongue in check. I apologized, but it's probably because this is something I feel extremely passionate about--not to say that it's not the same for him, of course. And John's right, when things don't go the way I planned, I don't do too well. I think it just depressed me more that I didn't realize how bad I was making him feel. Sigh...I guess this is all part of the growing years--learning from your mistakes and all that wonderful jazz. Of all the things we could argue about, it had to be this, right...dengit.

Deep down, I truly believe that there is a divine purpose for everything that happens. I suppose I should just keep my initial reactions to myself until I've calmed down. Until that certain point when I can see "reason". I wonder how long it will take me to get that down. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I'm transparent, I can't hide the way I feel. I'll say whatever the hell I'm thinking. I'll share however the heck I'm feeling IN THAT MOMENT. Probably not a good thing to do. I probably end up sounding like a selfish, insensitive brat. It's not all about me, right. Yeah...

I apologize that my anger/irritation/bad vibe was misdirected. It was not meant to be towards John. It's the situation, the uncontrollable factors that make me feel so helpless. And if anything, feeling helpless is not my game--the control freak that I am. Passive is not exactly a word that ranks highly on my vocabulary. I understand that I cannot control everything...but that doesn't make it any less frustrating.

God, how I pray for strength and guidance! My friends tell me not to think about it and just focus on what needs to be done here...They remind me that I am a full time student with much too much work to do with much too little time to do them. I think only the people who truly know me VERY well will know what an impossibly difficult task that is.

I suppose this whole thing was just so anti-climactic. It certainly wasn't the best news to wake up to! The entire day, I was just on edge. I guess when you look forward to something SO much, any deviation or delay just takes you down. And knowing that so many other decisions are at stake doesn't make the waiting any easier. But patience is a virtue [I'm trying to convince myself of that, too]. So I guess I have to hang in there just a little more. It's just as hard on him as it is on me. I just wish we could be together. Is that so much to ask?